ΨPandemoniumΨ

I don't wanna talk about the news but it's all I can and have been thinking of for the whole morning.
Seem like thhe whole world is gonna kill me. The weather, the people around me, the pressure from work, and everything I have been suffered through my life till now.

As I was so calm last night and I didn't have one single drop of tears falling though my heart was aching this morning when I was listening to "Tears", "The Last Song" and "Unfinished", etc., I thought I was not going to cry. But I finally did. At lunch time, when the song "When I Cry" came into my mind all in a sudden. I was not even thinking of that "him". I hid my face in my coat and it became wetter and wetter.
The sky has been crying for me all this morning.
The lyric of "When I cry" which I have been searching for so long, was finally found today.
It made me think that maybe the sky, the god (or goddess) wanted me to release.

My body shows myself how sick my heart is. I'm feeling so tired that I can't even walk properly. My ribs are in pain. I want to throw up whenever I uptake any food and drinks. I can feel my stomach hurt sometimes but I really no hunger. Being not able to eat, makes me now dizzy and not too concious. My mind can't figure out anything. I feel no pleasure facing the game I have been playing. I can smile and talk if I try to but I get no expression most of the time. My head starts feeling pain.
My body is really too honest.

So sorry to Arashi who wanted to cheer me up and to YY who told me the news was announced officially.
I can't face it. I can't talk about it. I can't even speak his name.
I've spent my whole life escaping from different things. It's too much for me.
You know what, I've got illusion for a few times today. I wrongly remembered it's now winter in which I'm usually depressed every year.

Sorry...But I can't hold on...
Let me release it all at once...
Let me crack up for a few minutes...
And I won't cry for it anymore...
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When I cry　　Dianne Reeves

I'm awakened without reason
It's that restless kind of season
I hear the thunder, I hear the raindrops
Then I see rainbows, a rainbow of you
I can remember, just like that summer
The summer when I found a friend in you

When I cry, I call out your name
I can recall all of our childhood
Like a dream that will never die, love
I've taken my sorrow and you'll bring me to the light
When I cry, I call out your name
Just touch me with heaven, at my doorstep
to remind me that I won't be alone
Forever is kinder if it's you who will remind me
that our love, no, it will not die
Show your face to me, my love
you are this darkness, let me know you're home

You're my prayer when its night time
you give strength to my lifeline
Are you an angel, with all of your wonder?
Are stars your playmates within the sky?
Can you still see me, becoming a woman?
Can you believe it's been such a long time?

when I cry, I call out your name
The echoes of strangers sound familiar
as if it were you I keep hearing
I don't want to follow if it's here I belong
But its true that I miss your smile
I'll carry your memory throughout my lifetime
through the winters and through the summertime
I wipe away tear drops 'cause I'm stronger then I might know
When I cry, it won't be the same

The laughter of friends, my palm in your hand
This is what life seems to be telling me, I need to see

When I cry, I can be set free
like journeys of rivers into the ocean
It's like we're together for always
there is no denying,
I found courage in knowing your love
And I see, you will always be
the sweetest love I have known.
The sweetest friendship
You've made me strong.